Dying to Live: Rites of Passage ? Death ? What Now?

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A LETTER FROM MY BROTHER

My brother is amazing.? He always knows the right thing to say when I am down and out.??I hope he will forgive me for sharing his email he wrote to me but I think for those who are supporting a griever?or grievers themselves will find comfort, just like I did, from my brothers words:

The hurt doesn?t last forever but you will never be the same again.? It?s alright.? Dealing with loss is one of those things that all of us must come to terms with at some point in our lives, some earlier, some later.? When we lose someone close it reminds us in a very intimate way of the impermanence of life?.

Loss makes people do one of two things in general: It makes them want to hang on tight to what they have or it makes them want to let go of what they have. But once you get over it and realize that not one thing in this life lasts forever there is a joy in being with people, different kinds of people than one has been used to being with, because you realize impermanence and that is where true beauty lives, in impermanence.?

For example: Two men give you flowers. One gives you a plastic flower the other a rose picked fresh from the garden. Which will end up in the garbage first? Which will get pressed between the pages of a book? I think the plastic one will be trash whereas?you will go to great lengths to preserve?the one that will die. The rose from the garden is beautiful because it will not last.?Neither will the giver nor perhaps even the sentiment that caused the giver to give the rose. Meanwhile the plastic flower is seen as somewhat vulgar and cheap even though it will definitely outlast the giver, the receiver, the sentiment and so on.?

My point is that what you are feeling right now?is the beauty of life, that it is balanced, and that what goes up must come down, that borne things must die.?Death is how we know that life is precious and not to be wasted. And in this context and only in this context can one live an authentic life.?

I?m thinking this might be a good time for you to get your first tattoo. Your life is charged with meaning right now. These are?important moments. I know none of this makes it feel any better but this is the truth as I know it.

Take care Sis!

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Rites of Passage ? Death

A Tribute to Michael G. Taylor (Big Fish) and Steve Leon

Original Post:? September 2011

Death is irrevocable; a rite of passage not only for the soul who transitions but for all who have loved that soul. We are never the same after experiencing death. That is why we hold funerals, for it is a ceremony to celebrate and remember, the life of a person who has died. It?s a ritual event to mark a person?s transition from one state of being to another; and the funeral provides a chance for those to gather around to support the deceased as he/she passes through ?the gate(s)? and into the spirit realm.?

I?m listening to CBC?s series Shift: The Final Chapter, ?What goes around comes around.? says Anna Maria Tremont host of The Current ?Which means the baby boom will produce a death boom at some point in the not-too-distant future. It hasn?t happened yet to that charmed demographic. That?s because Canadians are living longer and because almost 70 years ago, there was a drop in the number of babies born in Canada. But rest assured even boomers will meet their end someday as will the members of every other demographic.??

Ms. Tremont is interviewing funeral director and embalmer, Robert Webster who is the author of the book, ?Does this mean you?ll see me naked?? It?s a book packed with tips and advice when dealing with the death care industry. Tips such as; here?s how to save money, don?t make cemetery arrangements by yourself, here?s what you need to watch out for etc. He also shares empathetic yet entertainingly and quirky stories about the funeral business; he answers those embarrassing questions foremost in our minds providing readers with behind-the scenes stories of what really goes on after you?re dead (If you only knew?).?

Do we see death differently than previous generations??

He feels it has and says the industry today is somewhat cheapened because there is less respect for what funeral directors do. ?I have noticed an increase in folks choosing cremation. In the past I thought it was a monetary thing, it used to be anyone who wanted to be cremated were the higher educated and the wealthy people.? When choosing a casket, before he?d hear clients say, ?Nothing too fancy, and not too expensive? And now it seems that within the burial industry, over the last ten years, they say ?what?s the cheapest thing you?ve got?? Or he hears them whisper to other family members, ?The less we spend in this room, the more money we?ll get from the estate.?

Perhaps the economic times are an indicator for these choices. ?Especially with this generation of children who have over extended themselves by buying fancy cars, getting a mortgage that someone talked them into that is more than what they should be paying and they are going to mom and dad to help financially so when someone passes away, they want to spend less on the funeral itself so they?ll have more of their inheritance to buy that fancy house.? Some even ask for their inheritance before their parents pass away.?

A Wake

Times have changed and yes today we do treat death very differently than previous generations. First of all they didn?t pay?to have someone bury our dead. The family of the deceased had to take care of the disposal of the body. ?Back in the day, a wake meant actually staying awake with the dead because of the fear that they weren?t dead yet, they didn?t have a stethoscope. Some tests for death back in the Middle Ages, they?d have a glass of water and put it on the person?s chest and if it moved then they must still be alive. Or the mirror test, you stick a mirror under the person?s nose and if it fogged up you?d know they?re still breathing. That?s why it was called a wake because you literally stayed awake with the dead.??

?Perhaps this generation is right,? he says, ?having a visitation one day and the funeral the next day ? people don?t have time anymore, they don?t have the time for a two-day affair for a death in the family. Folks can?t get time off of work like they used to. Years ago the employer would, depending on the relationship, let you take a couple of days off of work to go grieve a family member and they don?t do that. But now that?s changed and you get docked. If you don?t work then you won?t get paid, so they roll it all into one day; an hour for the visitation followed by the funeral. That?s been happening for the past 10 years. It really crunches the official grief period.??

Robert goes on to say that when a family comes with an ?at need? request, in other words, a sudden death, emotions are a lot higher; but when someone comes in on a ?pre-need? basis and says ??you know, I don?t want my kids to worry when I die?? Everything is upbeat and light ? not being disrespectful and everyone is joking around, they say ?Hey look at this casket? and they go in and start tapping on it, joking around saying ?look at that! I?ll look good in that? ? it becomes really helpful when the time comes, because they?ll recall that moment and say to me, ?Hey I remember we had a fun time with you when we were prearranging this, I feel a lot better and I?m glad we did it.??

Meaning and Grief?

Do we deal with death differently than previous?generations? Yes, I most certainly think we do especially when it comes to the grief and mourning?process of survivors. Dennis Klass, author of the paper Grief and Mourning in Cross-Cultural Perspective, writes, ?Many writers make a distinction between grief and mourning, saying that grief is a subjective state, a set of feelings that arise spontaneously after a significant death, whereas mourning is a set of rituals or behaviors prescribed by culture?s tradition. Humans are attached to individuals?all through their lives. When they die, individuals experience separation and loss, and do must reorganize their attachments to match the new reality.??

In the constructivist model, the process by which people make sense of their world is social interaction. When something important happens in an individuals? life, they do not just think about it; they talk about it with others. Grief and mourning do not just happen inside a person; they happen in the interactions between people. I was able to observe this type of community interaction not too long ago when the summer of 2011 began with tragedy.

Steve?

June 6th.

The Vancouver Canucks suffered a devastating loss to the Boston Bruins in game 3 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. The Canucks lost their star player 13 seconds into the game and lost 8-1. Like thousands of other Canadians we all went to bed bummed out. I finally get to sleep when I am awakened by a phone call from a frantic friend. ?What?!?what are you talking about?! Who died?!? All I heard was car accident and our dear friend Steve is dead. ?Well there?s nothing I can do about that.? I say ?Call me back in the mornin?!? [click] And I went back to sleep.?

Steve dead. What a joke. Me, Steve, his girlfriend, Tim ?we brought in just this new year partying at Steve?s place. He lives a couple of blocks from me ? and I just saw him on the bus, like, three days ago! No way! Steve?s not dead. But, the next day I began to hear the weird circumstances surrounding my friend?s death. Three people in a car driving down Hwy 148 on the Quebec side heading into Luskville. The on-coming car hits a 500lbs bear, the bear went airborne into the other lane and flew into the windshield of my buddy?s car taking out the driver, my friend Steve sitting in the back seat and left the front seat passenger injured. A bear ? imagine that!?

I?m friends with the survivor?s mother, aunt and uncle. The day after we all sat together with our cups of teas warming our hands and listened to the survivor?s mother recount the whole ordeal starting with the devastating phone call, arriving a half hour before the ambulance arrived at the hospital she described her feelings of sheer panic and anxiety as she waited for them to arrive with her son.?

I heard how helpless she felt not being able to tell Steve?s parents that their son is dead. It had to go through the proper channels from the head nurse and a grief counselor. They couldn?t even find the phone number to the driver?s parents to inform them of their daughter?s death and the story just went on and on and on. I can still see the look of dread on her face; yes she was exhausted, tired, drained but still running on adrenaline. She continued to tell us of how the reporters were relentless, scouring social networks reaching out to old contacts looking for any additional information about the three passengers. News of this accident went viral ? it was reported in countries around the world!?

So I?m sitting here, as shocking as it was to hear all these details, but my mind became a little blurry and out of focus, because all the while I am listening to the survivor?s mother; my mind kept floating away to Big Fish. Here it is I am now faced with two tragedies and I couldn?t help but begin to compare how these two tragic scenarios have played out. My mind then goes to the Family Member and what a terrible burden it must have been to be the ?spokes-person? of bad news, having to keep re-telling a story about a tragic loss.?

But in the retelling of a story, sometimes things get left out (intentionally or not ? I don?t know), it?s kinda like the game Secret Chinese password, you know? You tell one person a story and it goes around to a whole bunch of people and when it gets back to you ? it?s a totally different story. ?And I?ve been having this feeling that didn?t go away, that something is missing about the death of Big Fish.

?Constructivist theory? Klass continues to write ?allows a definition of relative ?normality? of grief within various cultural contexts. When the narratives are congruent within and between levels, grief maybe stressful, but is not problematic. Grief becomes problematic when there is an incongruence?of narratives (e.g. an individual?who is unable either to accept or reject contradictory stories). Did she die because it was God?s will or because the doctor made a mistake? Grief also becomes problematic when narratives at different levels of the hierarchy are incongruent (e.g. when individual?s thoughts and emotions are in-congruent with the family?s understanding of what thoughts and expressions of emotion are acceptable).??

You know things would have been so much easier if there was some sort of newspaper article reporting the details of how Big Fish died ? I think I told that to the Family Member too in one of our email exchanges. I find no joy in bothering grieving family members on a tragic story which seems to be simply about human error.?

How come there was no news story about Big Fish?s accident? I?ve been asking?this question since the beginning; even my CBC reporter friend wondered the same thing when he got me the weather report for the days surrounding Big Fish?s accident. He?also found it odd that not one single report of this story was made, except for an accident in the Gatineau?river, that he could vaguely remember, but no names were mentioned. Look, from one article in the Ottawa Sun about my friend Steve, I get all the details; who, what, when, where, why and how! Even a map!

Disclaimer: It?s okay you can leave the legal beagles at home. I?ll be the first to admit. The following section is a ?conspiracy theory? that I chose to write about because it fits within the context of the story. So in a lousy attempt at ?covering my ass?, I think I?m supposed to use this preamble to say ?without prejudice??right??.

You know, I was doing so fine moving along, getting on with life, and all of a sudden if feels as if I am sucked right back into the mental vortex of angst of: ?What happened to Big Fish?!? The story always seemed a little flawed. So I decide to go back to some communications I had with the family member, re-reading responses. Gee, I was pretty emotional at the time; perhaps I missed some crucial piece of information that will finally put this story to bed. ?Apart from Bosom Buddy?s two lined email saying that Big Fish ?ventured? out on to the lake, I reread what the family member had to say.

The police said after the autopsy had been completed in Montreal that Big Fish died of multiple causes?. he fell through ice ? photos of the scene were taken?. the lake had ice on it ? it looks as if Big Fish pulled himself out of the water and dragged himself toward the jeep. His body was shut down caused a double aneurysm ? one in his brain and one in his chest. The legal date of death said the 24th because that was when the coroner confirmed it. We only told people whom we knew that were close friends and family because Mum didn?t want to have to keep repeating the story.??

That sounds a little odd?.Sounds like there are two versions; one for the in-crowd and one for the out? ?Did you get that too? ?So I did a little more digging around and found nothing except for the following articles:

Body Found In Ottawa River?

CFRA News Staff Tuesday, March 23, 2010?

Gatineau?Police hope an autopsy later this week will help them identify?a body found in the Ottawa River yesterday afternoon. Police say a boater?found the body just before 5pm near where the Ottawa and Gatineau?Rivers meet. Lieutenant Yves Comtois?says all they can say right now?is the person is an adult male and it?s believed the body was in the water for quite?some time. Comtois?added it?s too soon to determine whether foul play was involved in the person?s death.

Body found in Ottawa River?

Last Updated: Tuesday, March 23, 2010 | 8:26 AM ET??

CBC News Gatineau?police are investigating after a body was found floating in the Ottawa River Monday afternoon. Police say a couple out boating found the body where the Ottawa and Gatineau?rivers meet at about 5 p.m. The body was dragged to shore, but police say no identification was on it. They were only able to confirm that it was a male. Police say it appears?the body was in the river for some time and will take time to identify. An autopsy will be performed in Montreal later this week.

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No follow-up article as to the identity of this man. I see all these catch phrases that seem to be popping up. For example:?The family member said the Montreal police was involved ? so did the article, the Inspector that I spoke to said they thought foul play was involved but in the end ruled it out ? the article mentions suspicion of foul play. The article says the body was dragged to shore, the family member said Big Fish dragged himself to shore.?The stories say it was an unidentified male, well Big Fish is male; could this be the same person? Even the dates match, story broke on March 23rd, the doctor pronounced him dead on the 24th but who knows how long his body laid there until found.?Everything seems to be the same, except for one thing; the scene of the accident which is different from the official story as told by Bosom Buddy.?

Paper Mill?

You see, from what I know, Lac Poisson Blanc?is a manmade lake. It?s controlled by some paper mill factory and at any given time of the season you?ll notice a drastic decrease and rise in the water levels, they drain the lake to do whatever it is that they do. I?ve snow shoed?across that lake with him, we boated in that lake so many times and from what I can remember, I don?t think this lake connects at all to the Gatineau River.?

So I hopped on Google Earth to double-check ? yup, Lac Poisson Blanc?is a self-contained lake. Although it?s situated in the Gatineau?hills, from what I see, it?s not connected to the Gatineau River. Am I reading this wrong??

I dig a little bit?further to see if there?s some follow-up?articles as to?the identity of this man who washed up on the river banks. Found nothing, except for a couple reports of 41, year old Lachlan Cranswick, who mysteriously disappeared, one day late January the same year (2010), without a trace.

??Foul play is not a theory at this point in the investigations into two missing people?in the Ottawa Valley. OPP are?working on the theory that 51-year-old Tina Smithson may have left her home near Pakenham January 26th and?fallen through the ice in a nearby creek.? Meanwhile a similar theory is being suggested in the disappearance of 41-year-old Lachlan Cranswick?who vanished after leaving work at?AECL?to return to his Deep River home on January 18th. The?active searches?for both have?been suspended. According to Deep River Police Chief Michael Ueltzhoffer, he will not rule out a further search this spring, depending on what the continuing investigation finds.? websleuths

Wait a minute!?

Big Fish retired from his ?top? job at AECL?and dies two months after this guy in the same fashion? And it has officials asking the same questions I?ve been asking about Big Fish. Found another report:

?The circumstances surrounding his [Lachlan Cranswick]?disappearance is?indeed curious and the case merits more than a casual mention, especially in light of numerous other instances of nuclear scientists and microbiologists turning up missing or dead within the last few years, many under mysterious circumstances??

??Constable Darin Faris, the Deep River police officer conducting the investigation said; ?Every bit of information, every lead that came in, everything ? has led us nowhere.? ?We don?t believe he got lost,? Faris?said. ?He?s meticulous in all points of detail?? CRANSWICK, began working at the Neutron Beam Center in Chalk River, which is used as a laboratory for scientists from around the world to conduct various experiments and academic research.?

Described as meticulous, disciplined and well-organized,?CRANSWICK?never left his house unprepared. If he walked the nearby nature trails, for example, he would always carry a fanny pack, a flashlight, a whistle to ward off wildlife and a GPS system. All of those items were found by police in his house.? ~ Homeland Security

Big Fish was pretty up there at AECL, EVP?of something or other. I never really paid any attention to what he did. I?m not a strong supporter of atomic/nuclear energy; I think it?s very dangerous stuff. We should continue to develop solar, or work on geothermal and research nuclear rather than?building stuff ? it could too easily fall into the wrong hands and who knows, it could be used to develop bombs and what about the waste?(hello! Japan!) He saw it as a legacy position, carrying on something his father started. If I remember correctly his father worked on the candu reactors at G.E. back in the day.?

Was Big Fish somehow part of some larger nefarious plot to pluck off-key?AECL?personnel?!?

I?m getting frustrated with our news outlets as I try to scour the internet for more information. What?s with these people? To post these obscure stories and don?t even follow-up. A sentiment shared by many who have posted on CBC?s website. I agree with one person who commented on a June 11, 2010 report of an unidentified body found in the Ottawa River:

?Would CBC please tell us if the body found in the Ottawa River at Deep River later that same day has been identified officially by the coroner?s office???

Has the body found in the Ottawa River near the Rowing Club earlier that morning been identified officially by the coroner?s office?? Other news outlets said a fisherman found the body in Ottawa near the PM?s residence. CBC said it was a canoeist. Other news outlets reported canoeists finding the body at Deep River.??

How many bodies with the same description wash up in the Ottawa River on a typical day? How many bodies were found in the Ottawa River on Friday? One or two? Who are these mysterious fishermen (in canoes?) who find all these bodies???

Meanwhile, we still don?t know what happened with the March 23?story of a body found on the Gatineau side of the Ottawa River. Has the coroner in Montreal ever identified the body?? ?~ CBC Website

Yeah, I wanna know that too? Was it Big Fish?!?

I still don?t get, why was he out there in the first place; How did he fall and; What caused his fall? Was he on foot and?fell through weak ice? Or was he in a boat and fell off the side of the boat and through the ice? If he was in a boat then why would he be boating on a lake full of ice? (No boat was mentioned in the ?official story?) If he was on foot then why was he out on a faulty lake in the spring when the weather was reporting record-breaking warm temperatures for that time of year.?

We?ve snow shoed across that lake before in January not late March! ?He above all people would know that the further you go out the more dangerous because the ice is thinner (isn?t it?), especially for that time of year, undercurrents are strong ? he should have known he couldn?t trust the ice.

Double aneurysm. In the brain and in the heart. I don?t know about you but from what I know (and I?m no doctor) when one suffers from an aneurysm it?s pretty instantaneous. Like, BAM! And you?re gone just like that! So to experience two of them in different areas of the body ? at the same time?!.?

I just have a hard time envisioning Big Fish ? 200lbs or so of sheer muscle ? fall through the ice waist deep, pulled himself out, drag himself to shore, managed to get to his jeep, all the while experiencing this double aneurysm? And at what distance was his fall from the shore? If the lake was drained, the shoreline recedes, which means he?d have to walk out further on to the ice in order to fall waist deep, which means it would be farther in distance for him to drag himself back to shore, creating more strain on his body. ?Are you sure, nobody else was there?

Brain aneurysm ? makes me think of head trauma, which makes me wonder if he somehow hit his head? Is that why he went straight to cremation? Was his face all mashed up? With Steve and the driver, they were pummeled by a bear, I?d imagine to the point of being unrecognizable ? that?s why they went straight to cremation.?

?Don?t go around spreading hurtful things while we?re still grieving our loss.? said the family member. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear ya?, I hear ya ? but you can?t leave such loose ends to a creative mind like mine. The who?s, what, when, where, why and how?s have all been answered for everyone else, they get their closure ? why can?t I? With Steve we know he was up in boon-docks fishing with friends, driving down the road, a bear was hit, flew into their windshield ? and gone! Yes, it was a tragic accident, yet the story was reported as it happened.?

What happened to Big fish is no more tragic than?Steve?s death, or the poor parents of the driver, they were the last to find out that their daughter is dead; the mother was out of the country! ?Bonnie, Bob, Steve, Catherine, Gary and Grandma Maetso (and a few others after them) ?all questions are answered about their passing, yet out of this whole laundry list of dead people the one I care about the most has this one big fat question mark! ? But it doesn?t matter now, Big Fish is dead and answers to any of my questions will never bring him back.?

But it?s not about bringing him back, I?ve embraced the empty and meaninglessness of it all, and do realize that ?it?s about letting go.

Your Carbon Footprint?

?The tradition around letting go is getting cheapened over the years ? yes that?s my opinion.? says Robert. ?People who want direct cremation see no value in the funeral business. But I get people who say: ?Gee I really wish I could have seen mom before you cremated her. Even though they do have loved ones identify the deceased at the hospital or at the funeral home, more people would opt for that to have an informal viewing before the cremation, and it gets softly brought up.?

How you would like your remains disposed of when you die? By traditional burial, cremation or emulsification? I think it?s important for people to take a moment to think about these questions. Although typically it still holds true, that the elderly population still sees the most deaths, we shouldn?t be na?ve about this statistic, anyone can go at any time ? no matter how old you are.?

When I die, I want to be placed in a nice biodegradable casket, lowered into the belly of Mother Earth, in a bed of sunflowers! I have no problem with the thought of earth creatures and creepy crawlies feasting on my dead flesh as I disintegrate and rejuvenate Mother Earth.?

When someone dies, one could say they leave a carbon footprint on the hearts of those they?ve known and love. ?Including our environment ? if a person chooses?cremation!

Some Facts about Cremation:

The amount of carbon in the human body is a small issue in cremation. There is much more carbon emitted as a result of the process. A cremator uses about:

• ?285 kilowatt hours?of gas and 15kWh of electricity on average per cremation ? roughly the same domestic energy demands as a single person for an entire month.?
• A more significant problem may be mercury pollution of the atmosphere. Aside from the considerable amount of greenhouse gas emissions this creates, cremation is also responsible for 16% of the UK?s mercury pollution (via our dental fillings), according to the Environment Agency. The industry has been told that all 650 crematoria must halve mercury emissions by 2012, but, ironically, one way to do this is to cremate at a higher temperature, thereby leading to more emissions.?See:?
• In the US the problem is even more significant. The EPA reports that mercury emissions from crematoria are the THIRD largest source of mercury emissions, at 2436 kg per year (2005).

~ The Guardian

Bonnie

?Bonnie was the survivor?s Aunt, I?m friends with Tim the Uncle and the other Aunt Lois and his Mom. We are all dear friends of Steve. Bonnie was fighting cancer for years and we all admit there were a few ?touch and go? incidents. But Bonnie held on, she fought to stay alive, to be there for her husband and family. For some reason, Bonnie decided to finally let go the day before Steve?s funeral. We were sitting in Bonnie?s kitchen with her husband. Lois was helping him organize the funeral arrangements. It was decided that we pile into the car the next day and get to the funeral home 45 minutes before Steve?s funeral service to talk to the staff about Bonnie?s funeral. And that?s what we did the very next day.?

We didn?t stay for Steve?s funeral, we paid our respects to family and friends as we all congregated around the entrance way.?Just before the service was about to start Bonnie?s husband was so overcome by grief for his wife. He knew Steve very well, they go back years and years, but he wanted to get home because he knew the very next day he had to be back at that same funeral home to discuss funeral arrangements for the love of his life. So we went back to Bonnie?s place for some coffee and kept the husband company and Lois was the sounding board as he began to plan for the service.?

Bonnie?s funeral was perfect! Simple yet heartfelt. Well-orchestrated and executed effortlessly. Just like Bob?s funeral. It was deja vu?walking through the funeral doors just being there a couple of days prior for Steve.?I finally get to see the Survivor. He?s wearing dark sunglasses as he?s still recovering from surgery pulling shards of glass out of his face. ?Good Lord Survivor!? I give him a hug ?How are you doing?!??

?Not bad considering..? his voice trails off a bit ?considering, two days ago I buried my best friend, today we bury my aunt and tomorrow we bury my girlfriend. You know?surviving?? Ah man, this poor kid, for such disaster and devastation around him he?s really lucky to have gotten away this time? boy this kid has horse shoes flying out his ass, he?s always been a daredevil sporty type of guy getting himself into all sorts of situations and somehow by the grace of god, he manages to pull through it all.?Tim greets me at the doors and we embrace all teary eyed. He escorts me into the room where we find Bonnie laying there so peacefully in an open casket.?

?Wooooooow!! She looks sooooo?bbeautifulll!? I say not realizing the level of my voice, I lower to a whisper ?Who did the make-up job on her, she looks awesome!? Tim smiles and cuddles me under his arm as we stood there in silence paying our respects. We go to the foot of the coffin and he shows me where he laid my clay pot, I painted and decorated for Bonnie for as a get well gift, in her casket?..Bonnie was Anglican so the ceremony had a strong Christian element for which I enjoyed. It felt familiar, comforting. Scriptures were quoted, holy water thrown, one candle burning, prayers and moments of silence.?

It?s been awhile since I?ve been so proud of a man then I did that day (and in the days preceding) watching Bonnie?s husband so quick an on the ball making sure that everything went smoothly during the service despite his arthritis kicking up. Virgin Bonnie married Dale and they have never parted since, what is it? Like 30 years or so? Can you imagine? Only knowing what it?s like to make love to just one man? No other for basis for comparison ? well not that you would if he was your ?one -and- only? and apparently Dale was for Bonnie. Yes, she was a very lucky girl for he looked after everything even when she was gone.?

The pallbearers, carry the casket down the aisle and everyone proceeded to follow in single file and huddled around some hand in hand as we watched Bonnie?s coffin loaded into the funeral car, they shut the door and proceeded to drive off to the crematorium and we all teary-eyed waved good-bye to Bonnie.?

Attachment Theory?

The late British psychiatrist, John Bowlby?s?attachment theory provides a way for us to ?conceptualize the tendency in human beings to create strong ?affectional? bonds with others and a way to understand the strong emotional reaction that occurs when those bonds are threatened or broken. ?Under this theory, the purpose of grief is to reconstruct the autonomous individual, who, in large measure, leaves the dead person behind in order to form new attachments, which he or she accomplishes by working through and resolving negative feelings. Grief is conceptualized as an innate process that, if allowed to run its course, will bring the survivor to a new equilibrium in a changed world that no longer includes the dead person.??

July 3rd.?

I?m on the plane returning home from Los Angeles, I was?cognisant that it would have been Big Fish?s birthday just the day before. Thank the Lord I?m so tiny, for I was able to somehow curl up in the Air Canada seat to have a mediocre rest on the red-eye flight back to Canada. Passed Customs and re-boarded the plane in Montreal and all I can think about is Big Fish. I?m getting weepy, my chest is feeling heavy and once I took my seat I quietly begin to sob.?

You see, this was the first trip I took after Big Fish died. Coming home was always the highlight of my traveling. Whether by train, plane or bus, seeing Big Fish at the station/airport to greet and take me home, was something I?ve always looked forward to. He was always a pleasant sight for my sore eyes, because I know once in his company, I have absolutely NO care in the world! But this time is different.?

Who?s gonna? greet me now??

Do you know who was there? Steve?s girlfriend! She?s the best person to have in company for she too lost her lover in a?freak tragedy not more than a month ago ? she knew -for sure-what I was feeling. ?Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo, boo-hoo!? I cry on her shoulder. After a minute or two she helps me pack my luggage into the car and we drive back to my place and spent the afternoon sharing our experiences and an out pour of emotions.?

?You know it?s very tough when you lose someone who?s been in your active life ? it?s different type of loss, let?s say as compared to, Uncle Sam or a distant cousin.? Says Steve?s girlfriend.

??Yes it is certainly tough,? I say.?

She continues? ??now that they are gone you realize just how much time you?ve spent together and now that he?s no longer here, I have all this free time on my hands ? I don?t know what to do with myself it?s driving me CRAZY!??

?I know, I know,? I say nodding my head vigorously in agreement. ?I am so, SO bored!! Very busy, but so bored!!??

?When a significant person dies, the issue of meaning is central for the survivors: What does this death mean? What does this life mean? What did this person mean to me and to this community? In most cultures over human history, myth and ritual provide?the inter-subjective space in which one can?construct the meaning of the deceased?s life, death and influence over the survivor?s lives. Western individuals who successfully come to terms with a traumatic death may change how they think about themselves, how they relate to others, and how they view life in general.??

Yes, so what if we do view death differently than previous?generations. We live in a world where tomorrow never comes, and because of this thinking we often fall into the trap of deferring difficult problems and taking care of things for another day. You see here?s the thing, death is different from?other rites of passages because it is irrevocable. With birth, you come into existence out of nothingness and when you die you return to nothingness.? There?s no turning back.?

It?s final!?

So when it comes to funerals, yes, I do believe there needs to be a statement and the ?pomp and circumstance? that a life has been lived! ?For me, that?s what funerals are all about, because funerals are not really for the dead but for the living and it?s a ritual that should be shared by all who knew the deceased.

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